(this is the truth, nothing but the truth…don’t be too jealous!)
Saturday…
0430: “Momma! Momma! Awe ooo sweeping?”
0432: “MOMMMMMMMMA!”
0433: I glance at my husband to see if he’s awake. I contemplate kicking him or screaming bloody murder, but choose to whisper softly to my little darling that he should close his eyes and return to Dreamland.
0440: “MOMMA! Is it time a get uh yet?”
0445: I again glance at my husband, who has mysteriously turned his head away from where I could stare him down…
0450: “MOMMA! pew pew pew pew (he’s pretending his fingers are Star Wars fighter jets or whatever)”
0453: “My sweet darling boy, I love you very much, but it’s still like 2 hours before the sun will rise, for the love of Pete, go to sleep!”
0500: “MOMMA! I peed…”
0504: My husband is paying no attention, so I think I’ll pull on the covers and huff and puff a bit…
0505: It works. Mad Husband says “Jack, go to sleep!”
0506: Mad husband has now made Jack cry…
0511: The crying stops, but that’s OK, because the husband was back asleep 3 minutes ago.
0515: “Momma…Momma (whispering)…can I fweep wiff ooo?”
0537: After an attempt at ignoring the incessant whispering, I decide my fate is sealed.
0545: Take boy child to bathroom to have a soothing bath. Only he’s afraid of water.
0546: “DON’T GET WAH IN MAH EYES! DON’T WAH MAH HEAD! AHHHHHHHHHHH!”
0549: After so much fun, I hand him my phone to play with while I take a shower. I mean, I might as well, I’m soaked from wrestling the Beast!
0600: Quietly exit bathroom, while muffling the boy’s talking. I’m attempting to allow the husband to sleep in (in hopes that he’ll reciprocate someday) and not wake the big girl child or the dogs.
0601: “BARK! WOOF! YIP!”
0602: Deposit small boy child on couch. Administer 3 medications via feeding tube. Beg girl child to make coffee.
0603-0800: Send Jack to time out 43 times for trying to maim dog, hit sister, and escape the house.
0815: “Hi honey. It’s Mom. Meet us at the park?”
0816: Wife found sobbing in the bathroom. She mutters incoherently to husband who is trying to be nice.
1000: Meet parents at the park. Mother asks why I look terrible. “You are too skinny. Your eyes look too tired.” I resists urge to slap ‘er!
1200: I order an adult beverage with my lunch. After all, I’ve been up for 8 hours already.
1600: After being home, Jack refuses his nap by loudly singing the Backyardigans theme at the top of his lungs while pretending to be Darth Vader.
After that, I lost all sense of time. I sat on my porch, had a large glass of wine, and cried to my best friend.
Jack (after his medication cocktail) finally fell asleep shortly before midnight…only to wake up at 5.
Sigh.