I woke this morning at 5:00am to the old dog scratching to be let out. I complied, then laid down on the couch. Sadly, I couldn’t fall back to sleep; my mind awash with all the things I could, or should, be doing.
- Go to the gym? I’m out of shape and overweight and desperately NEED and WANT to work out.
- Work? I work at home and have a BIG deadline on Tuesday that I won’t hit if I don’t work (a LOT) over the weekend.
- Housework? Clothes need washing, curtains need hanging, rugs need vacuuming, floors need mopping.
- DIY home repairs? Paint the unfinished trim, spackle the holey (UN-holy) bathroom, caulk the drafty windows.
- Shower? I forfeited yesterday’s shower in favor of back-to-back commitments and appointments.
- Blog? I haven’t posted here or on my own blog in weeks–maybe months–and it ALWAYS feels good to get my thoughts out of my head and onto a screen. (That IS why I started blogging, after all.)
Not twenty minutes passed when one of The Boys stirred, then called my name, “Mommy?” The choice was made. As I climbed the stairs I was thinking it was good I didn’t go to the gym or he might’ve woken Daddy (who worked late and likes to sleep in on his day off). Or worse, he might’ve come downstairs unattended and gotten into trouble. (We’ve had a few near misses like that.) I could have gotten this post done in those 20 minutes, or written a paragraph or two for work, or treated myself to a 7-minute shower instead of the usual lucky-if-I-get-2-uninterrupted-minutes shower.
But I didn’t. I contemplated my choices.
I am frankly STILL perplexed, after nearly 7 years of special needs parenting (or maybe it’s twin parenting that’s thrown me), about how to “take care of myself” the way people with grown, typically-developing kids keep advising me to do. I don’t eat, sleep or exercise as well as I used to–if at all–before kids. Before twins. Before special needs. Most of my friends–by the time their youngest hits 7–are recapturing bits and pieces of their lives as individuals, and as couples. I accept that it’s going to take me and mine a bit longer to reach that milestone. However, I still feel the pull to get back to some of those pre-kid things I/we used to love to do–kayaking, SCUBA diving, beach volleyball, going to the movies–versus spending most of my time taking care of my kids who, because they have special needs, require a tad more care-taking.
At this point, it feels almost biological… the pull to get back to ME, just a little bit. I’m thinking I might want a career again (paid appreciation), and some “free” time, AND more fun time–versus care taking/educating time–with my kids. Yep, I want it all… to have my cake and eat it too! But, the truth is, I CAN’T do it all, so me-time gets violently shoved off the calendar where it was optimistically penciled in.
Surely–and not a bit begrudgingly–I’m meant to take care of my children first and foremost. I’m OK with that! I brought them into this world and it would be irresponsible to jump ship–even for a moment without appropriate coverage (ahhh, there’s the catch… to have help)–before they can fly solo. I’m talking about basic needs: feed, clothe, shelter, educate (yes, education is a basic need without which there can be no independence). I work, not to pay for gymnastics, karate, dance, art or music lessons, but to help pay for heat, electricity, the car and the house. I take care of my kids and I manage two IEP-driven educations and another complicated by 504 accommodations & mods. Heck, we all know the education piece by itself is a full-time job. Hubby works late into the night so afternoon homework and evening child care responsibilities are mine alone. School days are devoted to work and weekends are family time (when we’re not working on this old house, which NEEDS significant attention).
The wee hours of the morn–when, like this morning, I should be sleeping but I’m contemplating my choices instead–is the only time I could possibly escape for some me-time. And, I would be sacrificing much-needed sleep and this occasional good-for-my-soul, sunrise-tinted contemplation (important)… to go to the gym instead (also important). Perhaps my choice this morning reflects a greater need for peace of mind over strength of body, for now.
So, when and how do I fit me-time in? And PLEEEASE don’t tell me to”make ME the number one priority.” My kids are my number one priority–that’s not going to change as their lives and well-being depend on it. And, yes, I know I am important or I wouldn’t be wasting my precious time bemoaning how little me-time I get. I want to know how YOU do it? HOW do you FIT me-time into your crazy busy life?
More from Maggie at walkonthehappyside.wordpress.com.
ME time? What’s that? I’m sure not the one to offer any ideas! I look forward to the suggestions others suggest…
Seriously, you bring up a very important subject, Maggie. We all need time to refuel. It’s important for our sanity.
But time for that is hard–if not impossible–to come by, as you illustrate in your post. I must admit that I have to work hard to cover my annoyance with anyone who says “We all have the same 24 hours in a day.” Get real. 38 hours out of those 24 hours are dedicated to the care of our kids who can’t care for themselves. (Yes, the math IS correct). It’s not “discretionary time,” no matter how much the time management folks would like to guilt you into thinking it is…nor are you are simply “mismanaging” it.
I think we need to redefine “me time” to include any of the activities that feed our souls, not merely those ones we used to do pre-kids or that we would indulge in alone.
So…my solution for nurturing my busy soul these past 16 years is the same one I fell into when my children were babies. I try to find rejuvination within the time I spend caring for them.
Remember the guilty pleasure of rocking your sleeping babies and smelling their yummy heads? I still do this with my teenager.
My daughter’s body is only free of its uncontrollable thrashing when she sleeps, so I scoop all 90 pounds of her body onto my (aching) lap and breathe in the rare quiet as she falls to sleep. I pray over her, I relax in the stillness of her limbs, I savor the warmth of her hand on my arm, I listen to the rhythm of her breathing…
And that is healing for me. My husband is an absolute treasure; he never makes me feel guilty for taking this time that my daughter sleeps as my refueling. Sure, I could be doing laundry or dishes, but he sees that I need this. After my lap gets too achey, I carry her into her bed, but I feel much richer and calmer for that time we’ve shared.
Sorry, no secret solutions for you. Perhaps peace within the demands of special needs parenting?
Oh Rose-Marie, I hear you and I LOVE IT! I steal that time every night with my boys. Those few minutes, their chubby little hands warm on cheek, a sweet smelling head tucked beneath each arm (twins). HEAVEN! (But it’s not helping me lose weight LOL) I do have to count those moments as me-time, it’s true! ‘Cause it is all about me when I put them to bed, or walk the Old Soul into the school when I could just drop her off at the gate (like other Moms).
I too would like to know what me-time is. My complicating factor is that I’m a single mom (I built my family through adoption
I LOVE Rose-Marie’s suggestion.
Janet – God Bless! I was just talking to another single mom about how you think you’re doing it all… Then, when you’re REALLY single parenting you realize you weren’t even close. I can’t imagine doing this by myself.
God willing I won’t ever know.
I have been thinking about “me time” for the last month or so. How important it is, how to find it, how do other parents of special needs children do it? I have come to the conclusion, it’s different for everyone. Even for myself it has changed over the years. When my son was very young and we were just beginning to understand his special needs it was a hot bath or long shower. Just 20 minutes to myself to stop and do nothing. Take long deep breaths, let my muscles relax and my mind go blank. When he was a little older it was late at night when he started sleeping a little better and I could watch a tv program uninterrupted or have a conversation with my husband that was longer than 3 sentences. Now a days we live in a state that provides us with respite services and I schedule time in. It doesn’t always happen and often plans have had to be changed but I do put the time on the calendar and pray that when the day comes I don’t have to cancel.
I don’t have respite though the state claims to provide it. I will say, when I schedule me-time in, it happens maybe 1 out of 5 times. Those aren’t bad odds, I guess. I think learning to say no to the extraneous stuff would also help. The concept of me-time in the world of special needs parenting is a work in progress for each of us, I guess. (Like inclusion.)
I am not sure I have any answers to “me time” although I do like Rose-Marie’s suggestion of creating it during quiet parenting time, as well as redefining how we refuel.
I have a 4 year old and a 5 year old with my 4 year old having the special needs. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to eat a meal while it is still hot, sleep through the night, or enjoy a movie on the couch with my husband without thinking that I should be sleeping or cleaning.
Things have been tougher than usual at home. We have had a longer than usual stretch of medical problems that seem to lead to other problems that lead to med changes which take forever to kick in.
So my “me time” has been not happening except for times like right now which I am so thankful for! I can sit at the computer, think about things, remember how thankful I really am. I, too, enjoy the quiet times when I rock my son to sleep and feel his body against mine, breathing slowly and deeply. I think of his smile and that refreshes me. I also pray, sometimes a lot. I feel like God sometimes tells me to be patient, to wait, to be still and silent and let Him work. As special needs moms know, waiting is not easy.
I don’t have any miracle ideas for me time, but maybe it is just finding it in the least likely places or times.
Lisa – I get that same message when I pray, “Be still, it’ll come.” (I’m trying to be still, patient, wait. That is sort of why I lay there this am instead of jumping in to DO.)
I think all moms that have special needs children struggle with this, and I’m not certain I have any answers either. What I can say is it gets slightly better with time. We had 3 children in 3 years, all with varying degrees of special needs, and at one point it was almost impossible to just get their daily needs met. Now they are 11, 10, and 8, and I can ocassionally get some me time. I have to fight for it, and usually sacrifice sleep. But I have decided I would rather have quiet time or time with friends over sleep, so I drink a lot of caffeine and walk around exhausted. I have so many things I would like to do with my life, and all of those things seem to be on the back burner. But I have hope that maybe someday… I am stressed and exhausted, but I am also certain I am doing what God called me to do – loving and protecting the very special children he chose for me- and there is comfort and peace in that.
Elizabeth – Perhaps that’s where my discomfort comes from: I sometimes dream of other things I think I might be meant to do with my life when, (and I know this is so, as you say) I’m doing exactly what I should and was meant to be doing right now… taking care of my amazing children with special needs. It’s hanging onto the scrap of my old and very successful career that’s stealing so much of my precious time, and the glimmer of hope that there’s a challenging new career ahead that is making me feel unsettled now. Thanks. My beautiful children with Down syndrome draw me firmly to the present while my past and future distract me from it. A good dose of The Serenity Prayer may be just what I need right now…
i had a parent quote “i love you with all of my heart, but not with all of my time” once, which i thought was brilliant…but very hard to do. however, it would help assuage the guilt.
Liz – Great quote, though I’m guessing it was not written by a special needs mom. I do feel, as others have stated, that a tease of free-time/me-time is starting to trickle into my life. I think part of my dissatisfaction right now is that I’m not saying no to the things I should be saying no to, to make room for the things I want to say yes to. I need to kiss my old career goodbye to make room not only for me-time but for new opportunities that are better aligned with my life as it is now. I can see now I’m having trouble closing old doors.
Thank you all for your thought-provoking responses.
Maggie,
Take that morning time and go for a walk or better yet a run. You’ll feel mentally refreshed and more agreeable to your kids. If you make it a part of your routine, they won’t remember a time when you didn’t go out in the am. It’s awesome. Ok so you’re nervous and reluctant for a few days. You will get over it. It’s only 30 minutes. If you had a friend to go with, how awesome would that be?
I know you don’t want to hear it but taking care of yourself is so important. You cannot take care of your family if you don’t. Ask for help. Whether it’s with chores or respite care. Find some way to eat and sleep and take care of yourself. Yes, your kids are your priority. So take care of yourself to take care of them.
What do the Flight Attendants tell you on an airplane? If the oxygen masks come down, put yours on first and then put one on your child. You can’t help them if you pass out!
I hope you find the answers you are looking for. I know when I was going through the height of all this in my world-adjusting to a new schedule of therapies, searching for answers etcc when people told me to find time for myself it stressed me even more. It just wasn’t feasible for many reasons.
I think what is hard is others don’t see what you do as valuable or that the progress the children makes would have just happened anyway.
I had a good talk with a wise friend who is older and a grandmother now but raised 4 kids, 2 with special needs. Her and my Mom are like my cheerleaders. It is them who remind me that this is my job for right now. That by taking my son home for lunch to ensure he eats enough and drinks enough is the right thing to do to continue his amazing progress. Others think I am crazy and that I should just leave him at school. It may not seem like a big deal but it means he stays healthy, has enough energy to learn and develop. His first school report was last Friday-from the little boy who only just scribbled in the summer he is now colouring, drawing and writing…
For me right now it is about adapting to this change for now. Me time is getting a little easier to find but might mean a bubble bath with some nice smelling bubbles.
Go with your heart. Listen not to those that tell you what you should do based on their experiences in a world that is different from yours. Rather those that are here that know what it is like to move in this world of different but can be amazing when you see how far a little person can come with the right help, support, and love.
Peace
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