Madeline was diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome, ADHD, and OCD at the age of eight with me and my husband at her side. It’s been two years since that day and my husband has yet to let the word Tourettes pass through his lips. We never talk about it and I’m sad about that.
We have very different ways of coping with difficult issues. He’s a wonderful husband and father but the difference in our coping skills has become a sore spot in our marriage.
I’m very open and expressive about Madeline’s neurobiological issues. I need to talk about what is going on with her in order to help me process and cope. I also educate myself on and seek out every possible treatment for TS and its comorbid disorders. It gives me some control over something I can’t control.
My husband is big on “mind over matter” type of thinking and that not thinking about something makes it go away.
I call it denial.
I don’t cope well with his stick-his-head-in-the-sand coping style. I feel so alone. I hate that I turn to my sister and close friends for support with Madeline’s issues. It bothers me that rather than deal with the issue at hand he tells her (and himself) that she will grow out of it.
What if she doesn’t outgrow it?
The last thing she wants to hear when she’s struggling to cope is that she will grow out of it. That’s a long time in a child’s mind. Then there is the pressure from her daddy being hopeful that her “problem” will go away.
She is embarrassed to have him see her tics and I worry about what will be the long term effect of his denial on their relationship.
Talking to him about it helps temporarily, in particular during times of great stress for Madeline but I have to give constant cues and direction to help prevent the two of them from completely misunderstanding each other.
I try to understand that this is just the way he is. His entire family has the same kind of coping style. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. In the meantime I hold onto my faith that their otherwise good relationship and our marriage will survive his denial.
How do you and your spouse cope with the diagnosis, treatment, and day-to-day care of your special needs child(ren)?
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