Nightmares have been a nightly occurrence for me these last few weeks. The message of the dream is always the same but the scenario changes each night.
I’m always struggling in these nightmares; trying to climb slippery stairs to reach my kids or failing to save my toddler from a watery grave. If I’m not trying to save my children from harm then I’m struggling to not drown in deep water.
Obviously these dreams signify that I’m struggling and going under emotionally. My mind does this to me whenever I’m suppressing a difficult emotion to let me know I’m not in as much control as I think.
I’m very good at covering up my depression. I refuse to be like my mother who took to her bed for days during her dark moods. I feel weak when I succumb to depression so I forge ahead with a smile on my face until my mind forces me to deal.
I was forced to deal last night while researching Tourettes Syndrome (TS) for this post.
A few weeks ago I wrote about my concern that Isabelle and Connor also have TS and it has continued to weigh heavy on my mind. I’ve been stuffing that mommy gut feeling with food in hopes that it would cover it up. But as I read blog after blog about other families dealing with TS it became harder and harder to deny my mommy gut.
Not only was I relating to the posts I read in regards to Madeline but a lot of it also applied to Isabelle and Connor.
It was hard to not recognize Isabelle when I read about “an aversion to their own saliva which involves feeling the need to spit all the time” or the examples of rage attacks. She recently shared with me her need to spit and has had rage attacks since she was a toddler.
I recognized Connor in a post about “visuomotor integration deficits resulting in poor handwriting may be associated with Tourettes”. This has been an issue for Madeline and now that he’s in first grade it has become apparent just how difficult writing is for him also.
When I sat back and looked at the whole picture it suddenly became very clear that Isabelle and Connor’s sensory integration and processing issues, difficulty with spelling, and the tics that I’ve recently noticed are all on the Tourettes spectrum.
It’s time to face the fact that three of my children have TS.
And I’m scared.
And so very sad.
I don’t want their lives to be so hard. I not only want them to accept themselves but to also be accepted which is going to be a challenge. I was saddened about how a Technorati search of Tourettes returned countless blogs referring to TS in a joking or derogatory manner.
I also ran across posts where TS sufferers were accused of being possessed by demons and another where an African American woman was greatly offended by a young girl with TS who would utter a derogatory word used to describe someone with dark skin. She felt the child was faking and that bad parenting caused her to repeat the word.
I know the word is offensive but where is the tolerance for someone who has no control over their coprolalia? If you want tolerance then you also need to be tolerant but I can’t completely fault this blogger for her feelings since she obviously doesn’t understand this aspect of the disorder.
This is what I’m up against. There is so much ignorance of Tourettes and I’m sick at the thought that the majority of the population will view my children as freaks.
At this point in my research I broke down and cried. My body shook and I had trouble catching my breath. I had needed this release for quite some time.
As I prayed and purged myself of my bottled up emotions it began to rain.
No, it poured.
And through my tears I laughed.
It hadn’t rained in a long time.
I knew it was God crying with me, letting me know that it would be okay and that the sun will shine again.
When I woke up this morning the rain was gone and the sun was peeking through the clouds letting me know that it would be coming out soon.
And like the sun, I’m hiding behind the clouds. I need to be sad for awhile before I can come out shining again.
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