I can’t control it, so why do I even try?

I stood there, my feet covered with soap and spit, thinking, Please, God, let this all be worth it someday.

My crying, wounded-puppy-eyes kid spit the frothy contents at me because I washed out her mouth for saying “stupid” and “I hate you” to her sister. I constantly tell my kids they can’t just say whatever they want. They have to be polite and respectful –  no swearing, no yelling, no attitude. This is a tall order for my two bipolar kids who err on the side of Tourettes! But I am stubborn determined, and I fight back as consistently as I can when hurtful words start flying.

That morning, I could not take it anymore. No amount of redirecting, consequencing, or ushering her kicking-and-screaming to solitary confinement in her room was working. So I busted out the soap. Which I, of course, immediately regretted. Because if I’ve learned one thing raising kids with behavioral and mood disorders, it is this:

I. can. NOT. control. them.

Try as I might, with a hundred solid parenting strategies and the support of great counselors and medical professionals, the damn soap will end up on my own feet half the time.

And medications will get stashed between floorboards instead of ingested by my child. Urine-soaked clothes will get shoved into my daughter’s dresser with the clean ones because she’s mad at me. My younger daughters will get hurt by verbal and physical “shrapnel” because I can’t always be there in time. My volatile 8 year old will yell at me as soon as she wakes up when her mood’s “off.” My 7 year old will break someone else’s new birthday present in a rage.

Try as we might, many things in life are out of our control. People that make us crazy, tough situations at work, getting stuck in traffic, having to pay taxes or deal with investments that just took a turn for the worst. It can leave us feeling trapped, hopeless, angry or depressed.

One of my least favorite things about each New Year is the reality of the things I can’t change. The things that are the same as they were last year. Things that take a long time to change and that I can’t ultimately control. Things that no amount of well-intentioned resolutions or goal-setting will solve.

We each have a choice in those situations: to try to control those things – to try to make it stop – or to somehow let go of controlling them without losing our dignity or safety. Here are a few ways that help us do the former:

Face the fear. We want to control the issue because we’re afraid of what will happen if we don’t. What if I can’t get my bipolar child to take her medications? What if I can’t solve that financial problem? These are very real threats, but will by no means be the end of the world. They might really shake things up in our lives, but that is a worry for tomorrow, not right now. Looking at the fear behind these kinds of thoughts helps us take care of ourselves in that moment and take the choke-hold off whatever or whoever we’re trying to control.

Focus on what you CAN control. Can you find out more about your options for that bad investment? Can you try another delivery method for your kid’s medication? Can you take some deep breaths, get more sleep, or go for a run to make sure you’re caring for your own emotional and physical health? Do what you can, when you can and the helpless moments lose much of their sting. Choosing to neglect the things we can control in favor of worrying and trying to control the things we can’t is a great way to “control” our way into complete chaos in life!

Lean into your source of strength. Being in a situation we can’t control is disorienting, frustrating and exhausting. We need strength to make it through those times. Fortunately, that strength is always available if we know where to look: in our biggest areas of weakness. It is actually in our weakness – in the moments we can’t control – that God’s strength is most evident in us and our lives. Joni Eareckson Tada, an international speaker, author – and quadriplegic – says it this way, “If our very life purpose is to display the treasure we contain within, that display often works best when there are faults and cracks and chips in the pot! It is through these that the radiant, resplendent glory of Jesus shines through to the wondering eyes of the world” (A Place of Healing, p.71).

Build relaxation in to your life. The more relaxed you are, the better able to handle life’s curve balls and the inevitable soap spit that will find its way onto your shoes. Be on the lookout for small moments in the day to refuel yourself – 2 minutes to listen to your favorite song, 30 seconds of total silence in which you allow yourself to truly experience being in your own skin instead of being distracted by life around you. By practicing relaxing when we can, we shore ourselves up for the unpredictable, challenging moments life brings our way.

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