See her?
That mom over there?
Why doesn’t she just…
…Leave her baby in the nursery at church?
…Give it a rest with the hand sanitizer?
…Breastfeed?
Or that one — right over there — why doesn’t she just…
…Make her child behave?
…Stay home?
…Get a sitter?
What about that one — why doesn’t she just…
…Stop trying to put her child in with the “normal” kids?
Because she cannot — because she knows the nursery won’t pay close enough attention to her baby’s allergies, because her baby has reflux so severe it would break your heart if you really knew, because her baby has a skin condition and people say and think the cruelest things when they get a close look, because she’s the only one that knows how to care for her baby’s trach, g-tube, medical condition — she and her family are the only ones who are able.
Because she knows it’s worth the risk of offending someone by offering a bottle of hand sanitizer. Because she knows that her baby is only one well-meant cuddle away from another three-month stay in the NICU.
Because breastfeeding isn’t always as simple as it sounds. Because hours and hours of sleepless nights and stressful tears while her child’s life hung in the balance have ravaged her body to the point that it has nothing more it can give — no matter how much she wishes it were otherwise. Because the dream of nursing her own child died while her baby struggled to survive with the help of ventilators, trachs, feeding tubes. Because she won a hard fight against breast cancer. Because her child cannot or will not eat, leaving her to plan for future therapy, the next surgery, the next specialist appointment — while she searches for answers, diagnoses, treatments.
Because bad behavior isn’t always synonymous with bad parenting or spoiled children. Because she’s doing the best job possible in a challenging set of circumstances. Because her child has autism, asperger’s, touertte’s, down syndrome, schizophrenia, fetal alcohol syndrome — and after a full day of doctor and therapy appointments the stop at the grocery store just wasn’t optional — much as she wishes that it was. Because you just happen to be seeing her on one of the very worst days of her life.
Because she’s already stayed home for months. Because she deserves fresh air as much as the next person. Because her child does too. Because she’s working hard to give her child as many normal experiences as possible. Because others need to learn to be compassionate.
Because the possibility of a sitter isn’t a reality for everyone. Because she and her family are the only ones who know — the only ones who know how to calm her child down, how to give the injections, how to get her child to eat, what to do if her child seizes, how to vent her child’s G-tube, how to run her child’s feeding pump, how to flush her child’s port, how to change her child’s trach, how to assist her child to the bathroom, how to tell when it’s time to take her child to the ER or just time for a nap, she and her family are the only ones who know how to keep her child safe.
Because her child deserves a little bit of “normal” in this life too. Because her child, like every child deserves the best that can be given them. Because she sees the child when others see a disability. Because her child matters.
Because she’s right to teach her child to try, to aspire, to dream.
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Well written. I totally can relate. We just discussed some of these very issues in our parenting class this morning.
Awesome, awesome post.
Parenting classes are wonderful! A great way to get make sure you have some positive input and built in support — thanks so much for taking the time to comment, Lisa
Jaime — You’re too kind
I’m hoping to encourage moms this week who’ve been feeling like no one understands. One of the positive things that came out of my family’s personal challenges is that we are much more sensitive to the notion that we never know someone else’s whole story. A little support and kindness in situations like these can go such a long way.
~Michelle @ 5MFSN
Excellent post!! My daughter has severe behavior issues and going out in public is quite difficult, but sometimes necessary. I always feel like people around me are are asking themselves those very questions! Sometimes I see the head-shakes, eye rolls, disgusted looks and hear the sighs and “tut-tuts”…but so far no one has had the nerve to come up and say anything. It’s hurtful, but also makes me angry. I figure they only have to deal with it for a few moments out of their lives, we have to deal with it 24/7.
Wow. That was a powerful post! Thank you for writing that!
This post was absolutely fantastic!
Sandi — Wish I could email you a hug
I peeked in at your place, and you are doing a lovely job with your beautiful little girl. Those eye-rolls, sighs and head-shakes are are so much tougher than direct comments. At least with comments, a conversation has been started. The souls that have shown me compassion and kindness during such times — I’ll never forget them or cease to be grateful. I hope at least for today there’s some warmth in knowing that there’s another mom across the miles who thinks you’re fabulous! 
Brandi — You are most welcome, and thanks so much for reading
I stopped by your place and your little guy is such a cutie! 
Grace — I’m so glad you liked it! And thanks so much for the lovely compliment
~Michelle
All of the Mothers deserve that consideration as well.
I remember all of the family members who just could not get it. (adopted international) that attachment is vital, no sorry you can not hold the baby.
Or *******”Oh you worry to much just relax” only to turn around to find one had pulled the other to the deep end to teach him innocently how to swim (cognitive dysfunction) only to save BOTH of the lives in a moments notice while other assumed I made too much out of her disability. The frustrations of those who refuse to be educated until it was almost too late.
Nope no child care. No breaks no relaxing of the vigor to diligently keep them safe. Sometimes You’ll get a real good friend or two that gets it. Usually after a major mishap or the razor thin deliverance from one.
The children do deserve all we can give them.
Funny thing is…so do we.
I don’t have kids with special needs, but I desperately want to be the right kind of friend to moms who do. So thank you for helping me and others like me understand a bit of your world.
Hugs,
Becky
We deserve fresh air.
I like how you put that. *Smile*
Amen. Amen. I have a daughter with Severe Anxiety/ADHD/Mood Disorder and sometimes you feel like just staying home. Especially when you are out and your child has a huge meltdown and makes you look like the Worst Parent in the World Award Winner!
Thanks for this very insightful post!
Good post. If only everyone would read it and be educated.
Donnetta — I love what you said about all mothers deserving consideration — that’s so true! You never know what kind of a day someone’s having. You’ve done such a lovely job with your kiddos!
Becky — You’re already the best kind of friend there is — you care
And you have a heart of gold!
Little Piggy — (Just typing that made me grin — love it!
) I once had another mom at a playground tell me when my daughter’s birth defect was prominent that I should keep her home because it was too upsetting for other children to have to see her. I smiled and said that all children deserved to enjoy fresh air — and that likewise, all children deserved an opportunity to learn to show compassion — and that her child was depending on her to model it for her.
Susan — I’m so glad you commented. I believe that we’re all in this together and that EVERYONE has days where they could be perceived as the winner of the World’s Worst Parent Award. I always try and keep in mind some of my childrens’ public displays of less than stellar behavior and offer a smile and a word or two of support when I see another parent having a rough day. I think you’re a winner of a much more complementary award — the Mom Who Cares and Loves Her Daughter Award. Hugs to you!
Heidi — Thanks for the lovely compliment
I always have hopes when I write a post like this that it will bring about a change in at least one person’s perspective.
~Michelle
This was incredible. I wish everyone in this world could read it.
I learned a long time ago that I should never judge another mother for what she is doing.
That was very well written. I have been on the judged side with the actions of my oldest when he was young (he has ADHD). We spent much time captive at home because it was so much easier than battling public places. People have made comments about how protective I was of my youngest (and sickest) child. People can be so ignorant. Thanks so much for speaking so clearly for all of us!
Kristen — You and me both!
Thanks so much for your very kind comment. (Your kiddos are Adorable with a capital “A” 
)
Lisa — I thank you for your kind words, and I know well your feelings of captivity
I hope what is written here helps encourage someone who may otherwise may not have, to look beyond the surface. The times that someone has done that for me are the times when I have made some of my dearest, truest friends.
~Michelle
This is beautiful and true and right. Thank you.
Michelle,
girl, you have a way with words and they certainly went to the very core of my being.
Now we need the “Why don’t they just?” post. Why don’t they just ask if you need any help with anything, or talk about whatever they would talk about with anyone else they meet at the playground or in line at the grocery store?
I have to admit I have isolated us more than I should, probably more so because I don’t feel like dealing with the outbursts, etc, than caring what other people think or say. Thanks for the encouragement to keep getting out and trying again!
Michelle, you have touched hearts all around the web with this piece written not only from experience, but from you heart as well.
Fabulous post!!!
Truly helpful post
I hope it will be sent around to many friends & relatives inboxes so they can keep passing it around. My biggest regret is not being out and about as much as I wish to give my oldest(NT)child the type of life that he deserves due to all the times I stayed in, too tired to deal with taking out my younger son, taking the chance his autistic behaviors will overwhelm both myself and his brother. 
Stimey –
I’m so glad you stopped by, and thank you so much for your kind words.
Tiff — Thanks sweetie — and thanks for letting me bounce it off of you prior to posting
Tammy — Thank you, I hope so. I truly hope it’s an encouragement for others.
Mum2brady — Why, thank you — glad you liked it!
Rosemary — I know what you mean… don’t be too hard on yourself for the times you stay home, though. Those can be great times too. So very glad you stopped by to comment — It’s nice to know that my post was helpful
~Michelle @ 5MFSN
This was wonderful! Thank you for sharing it. I would love to share it to. Would you mind if I posted it on my blog and linked back to here or would you rather I just posted a link.
Leslie — You are most welcome to share the post with a link at your place. Thank you so much for stopping by
~Michelle
I totally connect, especially with the church nursery, day care, and sanitizer thing…That just happened this week, in fact.
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