One of my favorite places in the world is the Outer Banks of North Carolina, and one of the things I enjoy most while visiting there is looking for sea glass. So, I felt it was fate when I stumbled upon a blog with the title of Sea Glass, and found that its author was the mother of a special needs child. Join me in saying “Hi” to Mona…
Tell me a little about yourself and your family.
My name is Mona Cardwell. In July 1986, at age 31, I married and moved from my hometown of Detroit to New York where my husband was born and raised. The following June I gave birth to our first son, Alexander.
Our youngest son, Spenser, was born 28 months later. Well before the time Spenser turned two, I knew something was wrong. Spenser was diagnosed with Apraxia (inability to speak) and other “non-specific disorders” between his 2nd and 3rd year.
Tell me more about Spenser’s disabilities.
My husband worked on Wall Street and was home very little, leaving all the childcare to me. I was too overwhelmed by caring for these two very busy little boys to be able to stop and think much.
Spenser was extremely challenging – into everything – constantly getting hurt. I didn’t trust anyone else to watch him carefully enough. He required a “vigil” to keep him safe. Because I had moved almost 700 miles away from my hometown, I didn’t have any kind of support system in place.
I was totally alone and isolated. I was embarrassed and exhausted and years that should have been happy and carefree were not. It was really really hard and looking back, I don’t know how I did as well as I did. Every day was a Mt. Everest.
You blog a lot about your children’s issues. How did you go about making the decision to blog about them? What do you personally get out of blogging?
The genesis of the blog began with journals. I’ve been writing since I was a young girl and during those years of desperation I wrote as a way to keep my sanity. The other major factor was that prior to marriage, I had a good job and was intellectually challenged. The only intellectual and creative outlet I could pursue was writing.
Ultimately, those journals became a book I wrote the year Spenser was 17. I called it SeaGlass: A Family’s Journey with Aspergers because our family always vacationed by the ocean and those broken pieces of glass were something we were all familiar with.
I think the analogy holds – a child with special needs and his/her family can feel very jagged and broken. But over time and with an ocean full of love, those rough edges can become smooth and we can find some beauty in our ability to overcome the huge obstacles we face both individually and collectively.
How have Spenser’s disabilities affected you as a person and as a mother?
What did you do right? What do you wish you had done differently?
I wish that I had been able to reach out to others. I wish that I had joined support groups and found other mothers of special needs children. Our biggest mistake was de-classifying Spenser when he was in 4th grade.
Our decision was unwise because no one in the Special Ed/School setting was watching him to see how the original non-specific disorders were emerging (the late onset ones) so his Aspergers diagnosis did not come until he was 16.
What do you want other parents to know?
That there is reason to hope. That your child will be able to accomplish much more than you can imagine. That people do change (husbands do finally “get it”). That reaching out to other parents is the best thing you can do. That the painful experiences will recede and good, happy things will happen as well.
Is there anything else you would like to share?
Try to just live one day at a time. Don’t think, “will my child ever be able to live on his or her own?” It only brings you down and your child needs you to be upbeat and positive and confident – so that he/she can claim those feelings for him/herself. If you can’t be positive about your child’s life, how can they?
Make sure to visit and leave a comment for Mona at her blog, Sea Glass.
Deborah can be found writing here at 5MFSN every Sunday and Wednesday, and can also be found at Pipecleaner Dreams.