Written by Chrissi
The loss of a child DOES and can have an impact on marriage.
As each parent tries to find some sense of comfort, some sense of balance after such a loss, it can lead to anger, anxiety and strain on a marriage. I believe this is because daddies and mommies grieve differently.
With grief come many emotions and one of the emotions that are shown is anger.
Usually, we Moms seem to be more vocal and open on how we are feeling about the death of our child and the dad folk seem to keep it bottled up and tend not to share as openly, for the reason that they feel they need to be the “caretaker” when a child dies.
The Dad’s tend to be the ones who make the funeral arrangements and other arrangements that need to be made; this sends the message out that he is “strong” and “in charge”, which in turn pushes the feelings of loss and anguish further down.
As a parent who has walked this with her own sweet husband, I know. I know how easily that wall goes up when the arrangements are being made. It’s easy to push the ones you love most, away – especially when you are hurting so terribly bad.
My husband and I pushed each other so far away, so far that we became strangers to one another for a time. Truth be told, one evening over dinner it all came crashing down, the blame, the guilt and the hurt came spewing out of our mouths and hearts. Here I was, on my knees begging God to bring our son back. I was screaming and yelling at my husband .. I looked up into his eyes and I saw nothing but LOVE staring back at me. Bobby reached down for my hand and helped me stand, he wrapped me into his arms and we both sobbed.
Mourning the loss of our son, together.
From that day on, we try to tell each other if we are having “Tyler” days. It is our code phrase for a day of overwhelming hurt in our hearts. We vowed to not push each other away but to grow closer in our marriage and that is exactly what we have done.
Here are a few suggestions to remember after the loss of your child:
• Hold tight to each other; remember that you LOVE each other, that this child was created out of your love.
• Talk to each other, LISTEN to each other, and take time for one another. Share and treasure the memories of your child, the happy times as a family are still in your heart, the love is there. CRY together, it is okay to cry, to scream and to be angry about your loss.
• Deals with issues as they happen, do not let them fester!
• Avoid the blame game. Remember, love, love, love that spouse.
• Take time for each other, alone and away from everything.
• Hold on to hope. You will survive, life will be forever changed however, but you will learn to breathe again.
• Grieve together and grieve apart. Join a bereavement group for parents together or separately.
In grief, you need to cry, scream and you DO need to be angry to heal and someday, someday you will eventually be able to laugh and dance again.
That day WILL come.