The most intriguing session on the agenda at the autism conference I attended this week was titled “Yes, Your Child Is Autistic, But Who Are You?” It was presented by Eustacia Cutler, and if that name is not familiar to you, you may have heard of her daughter, Temple Grandin (well-known in the areas of both animal welfare and autism advocacy).
When Ms. Cutler began her presentation on Wednesday afternoon, she spoke for a few minutes, but then wanted us to share our experiences with her and ask any questions that we had.
At one point, she was asked whether she would do anything differently if she knew then what she knows now. “Of course,” she answered, but stressed that we all make decisions based on our perception of our experiences and the information we have at the time.
As she put it, “There are no answers, only choices.”
Powerful statements such as this is one of the reasons I had jumped at the chance to hear her speak. I had previously heard her give the closing keynote speech at the same conference last year. I was tremendously moved by her strength and perseverance in refusing to put Temple in an institution, against the wishes of the doctors and even her husband.
In that talk, she had also stressed how important it is not to lose your own sense of self, not to become consumed by your child’s disability. In fact, the title of her book, Thorn in My Pocket, was inspired by an actual thorn she kept in her pocket, which she would touch to remind herself of her identity as an individual with her own thoughts, feelings and desires.
I would like to share with you one of my favorite quotes from her book. The words continue to touch and challenge me every time I read them:
I promise that in the future, to your surprise, your dreams will have changed, and changed you.
I know that is not what you want.
What you want is a real talisman, a magic something you think I conjured up to coax Temple into joining life as you hope your child will.
There was no magic, there was just doing the best I could. That’s the point, that’s the talisman.
And never letting go of hope.
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