Our family was having dinner one Sunday evening when Matthew , who has autism, became distressed because his potatoes were touching his meat. My husband, Peter, who was tired after pruning trees all day, told Matthew in a loud voice “Don’t be ridiculous, just eat your dinner.”
Matthew yelled no, that he was the boss of his food, and picked up his plate and threw it across the room. Peter was ready to lunge out of his chair in anger, as were Matthew’s two younger brothers, but instead they stayed put while I walked my sobbing son to the backyard for a talk.
Although it took tremendous self control, I talked to Matthew quietly even when he flared up irrationally, (“I’m like a weed whacker! If I get too wound up I need to throw my food!”) until he was calm-even remorseful. Peter, Andy and John came outside when they could see the coast was clear, and Matthew apologized to his dad, who also apologized.
Another meltdown is defused.
Once Matthew was in bed, and after I finished my cold potatoes and downed my wine, Peter and I debriefed. Meltdown defused-but could it have been avoided?
YES!
There is an acronym used by recovering addicts, H.A.L.T. , that applies to parents of special needs children. If kids (or parents) are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, be aware, and be flexible.
“I should have more flexible,” said my husband, “but it is SO HARD!”
“I know, I know,” I responded in a soothing voice.
Sometimes being a good wife and mother means being a good actress!
Laura
Laura Shumaker is the author of A REGULAR GUY: GROWING UP WITH AUTISM
and a contributor to A CUP OF COMFORT FOR PARENTS OF CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS.