Where It All Heads South

Last week Reed and I took Parker to get his monthly blood draws. Two results that always cause us to hold our breaths are his BNP and his liver function panel.

An upward trend in either spells trouble.

The next night Parker’s cardiologist called to let me know that both values came back elevated.

I wonder if my neighbors could hear as my heart hit rock bottom.

I’ve had a few months of being able to live life without the fear of whether my kid is going to be gypped out of a normal life span. It’s been nice not having to worry about stuff like this. The kind of nice that most parents take for granted.

But now the shadow has returned. The thought that you can never push back far enough has made its way to the forefront of my heart again. And it is making it hard to do anything but worry.

I’ve got the specialists circling the situation. We’ve upped Parker’s trach size. We’ve tweaked the settings on his new vent. I’m throwing out the Nissen option again.

While trying to appear normal on the outside, “Oh, we’re fine. Thanks for asking.”, I can feel the cracks on my emotional facade getting wider with each passing breath.

I find myself trying to bargain with the universe. Hoping to find a means to reverse Parker’s rising pulmonary numbers. I’ll do anything….anything, I silently plead.

But on days like today, I’m not sure if anything will be enough.

You can also find Tammy and Parker hanging out at their other blog: Praying For Parker

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