Our winter coats scratched and chaffed as we settled into the truck for a night of running errands. Grocery shopping, store hopping, and errand running are at the bottom of the kids’ lists of “fun things to do.” Right down there with eat asparagus and vacuum the stairs. But, there were errands to run, and mama could not leave the children home alone, so along they went.
As we settled into the truck and buckled our seatbelts, we shivered and sat on our hands trying to warm them until the truck’s heater did the job for us. We made the list together and decided who was going to cross things off and who was going to calculate how much we were spending (mama shops with cash) to make sure we had enough money. As I backed out of the driveway (don’t tell Tim, he likes me to “park in the go” so I can pull out of the driveway straight), I thought that if I was going to drag the kids to the bank, the store, and the photo shop, I should put on some music that they like. So I switched from the Christmas playlist to the High School Musical playlist. The sing-along commenced as the children all very much *heart* HSM.
A song called “Can I have this dance” (I know, grammar issues aside, it is a nice song) came on and Isaiah declares, “I love this song.” I looked at him through the rearview mirror and he was looking straight at my eyes. I said, “I love it, too.” He said, “Mom, it is our song.” I said, “Sure.” Honestly, it was a half-hearted agreement; I’ve only ever had an “our” song with my Tim. But Isaiah watched me closely as the song played. He didn’t sing along. He hummed. Constantly watching me. At the next stop sign, I turned in my seat (much better for eye contact). I looked at him and he smiled. A real, genuine smile. I said, “I like having a song with you.”
It is not uncommon for us to abandon our seats during dinner or craft time or family meetings to dance. If the mood strikes, you dance. That is just how things roll at the HennHouse. Sometimes we have improvised step shows. The boys both have learned to waltz. (Their dad is still learning.) Dancing is a great way to make contact even though attachment has not occurred yet. Dancing allows my sons to release energy, let down their guard, and be who they are without worrying about me getting too close to their hearts. Dancing allows Esther-Faith to express herself without regard for her physical limitations. I am a very bad dancer. Using the word “dancer” is even stretching it a bit. But I do love to have my children in my arms. And I love that our bodies are moving the same direction (most of the time) and we are connecting without the anxiousness that attaching brings to children with RAD.
So, as we drove about running our errands, I listened to the words. Really listened. And I was even okay listening again when Isaiah asked me to replay it. I missed a turn when I heard the line, “It’s like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you.” My heart swelled and the tears slipped out when I realized what Isaiah was trying to tell me by declaring “Can I have this dance” as our song. Isaiah has such a hard time talking about his feelings. Especially when it is how he feels about me. About having a mom. But, when he told me we had a song, I realized that he was trying to tell me how he feels—in his own, special way. I think, even though the song has romantic overtones in the movie, that Isaiah was telling me that our dance is just beginning.
And my heart was overwhelmed at the prospect of positive attachment with my son.
Yes, my sweet Isaiah. You can have this dance. And I love you, too.
Lyrics for “Can I have this dance”
From High School Musical 3: Senior Year
Take my hand, take a breath
Pull me close and take one step
Keep your eyes locked on mine,
And let the music be your guide
Won’t you promise me that you’ll never forget
We’ll keep dancing wherever we go next
It’s like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It’s one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance
Can I have this dance
Take my hand, I’ll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don’t be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I’ll catch you through it all
And even a thousand miles, can’t keep us apart
‘Cause my heart is wherever you are
Oh, no mountain’s too high, no ocean’s too wide
‘Cause together or not, our dance won’t stop
Let it rain, let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe, that we were meant to be
It’s like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It’s one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance
Can I have this dance