Things you wish you didn’t know

I would love to tell you that all went well with Peyton’s clinic visit last week.

I would also like to tell you that I have no idea what complete heart failure feels like.

However, either statement would be a LIE!

Unlike the poor readers on my personal blog, I won’t make YOU all wait for the final answer: She’s fine and she’s still in remission.

But for a short eternity, I truly thought otherwise.

I know I’ve shared with you how much I fear relapse. I don’t know if I can clearly explain why it’s more than just the cancer being back and the treatment ahead.

When I say the word relapse I don’t think chemo, radiation or bone marrow treatment…it’s holding a child until the last breath is exhaled, it’s a coffin so small it looks like it belongs in a morbid dollhouse, it’s walking away into a life emptier.

It’s too many funerals, too many children in my life who’ve died.

Too many nights spent staring at my daughter, wondering if her time would come.

Although the cancer is gone, I still stare at her, and wonder.

And for a few moments this week, I had to feel it.

For what felt like a million seconds, I KNEW.

You can also find me at Hope4Peyton, The Mayhew Review and Twitter, you should come by, it’s niceā€¦we have cookies! Feel free to email me at Anissa.Mayhew (at) gmail (dot )com.

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