My husband and I are raising two boys on the spectrum with ADHD and a variety of other health issues. Some days are better than others, to say the least. The great days are really great and the bad days…well, let’s just say they are less than stellar.
Today was one of the tough ones. I had an IEP meeting to attend (thank goodness that is over) plus volunteer responsibilities and the regular home stuff. After several days of overcommitment I was exhausted.When we rushed home from an after school activity, my older son, who is higher functioning and verbal, was miserable. He was weepy, non compliant and misbehaving. As I sat at the computer answering a barrage of e-mails to prepare for yet another meeting, a paper airplane hit me. Then another. Then another. And they all had messages scrawled on them.
Pay attention to me! (with a sad, crying face and an arrow pointing to it saying, “This is me, sad”
Now! Or else!
Would you PLEASE help me with my homework?
Now, I know he really didn’t need my help. What he needed was my attention while he was doing his homework. Since his younger brother is severely autistic (and we’re talking, about as low as you can go, non-verbal, self-injurious behavior, you name it) he requires hyper vigilance and gets my full attention once his bus arrives home. Until their father walks through the door I perform a juggling act, with their needs perched precariously upon my shoulders. Some nights I barely make it. Some nights I have a mother’s helper (amazing neighbor teen) to help. Tonight, even with the extra help, I couldn’t do it. And I felt awful.
I know he doesn’t expect me to be perfect. But he needed me. And I felt guilty because I couldn’t give it to him. I always feel guilty when I wonder if I am giving him what he needs. I feel like I’m short-changing him sometimes.
I know it isn’t true. I know I’m doing my best. I know I’m giving it my all. But tonight he really tugged on my heartstrings. Sometimes it just kills me that I can’t give him more.
The good news is that tomorrow I’ll be back to my annoyingly optimistic “glass is REALLY REALLY full!” outlook on life. And then I’m going to invent a way to divide myself in half so I don’t feel so guilty anymore.