I hope that with my words, my journey, my walk and my life, I will be able to share my heart and give a glimpse of a journey that is chartered by many and understood by few.
Our son, Tyler lost his battle with leukemia nearly 8 years ago. At that point, I joined a club. This isn’t your ordinary club – this is a club that a parent never wants to join and unfortunately, so many have a lifelong memberships. These are memberships that you cannot cancel, no matter how badly you would like to rip up that membership card.
Mommy grief is so overwhelming; there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can prepare you or your heart for its enormous devastation. There is not a “super fix it” glue to mend your broken heart, not a band aid to cover the tremendous pain. This kind of grief, this Mommy grief, affects your mind, your soul and especially your heart. Your incredibly broken heart.
After the death of our son, the support for our family was overwhelming; our family lives in a community where our son’s story was well known, our lives were touched deeply by the outpouring of love and support. However, after the cards stopped and the nightly dinners were through, the words of many still haunt my heart.
I would like to share what NOT to say to a grieving parent.
– God won’t give you more than you can
handle. You mean, TRULY, if I was weaker, my child would be
alive?
-Avoid clichés such as “It was his time to go,” or “Time heals all wounds.” Neither time nor words can heal a person. Listening and being there will mean more to them, even if you don’t know what to say.
– Even if you have undergone a similar crisis, you do not know how someone else
feels. Grief is unique and very individual.
-Do not tell them to count their blessings and that at least he wasn’t any only child.
-PLEASE NEVER SAY “he is in a better place”. The best place for that child is in his Mommy’s arms.
-Do not ask them to call you if they need anything, honestly – they have no idea what they need. Be a friend and CALL them. Don’t wait for them to call, they are having enough trouble being able to function let alone picking up a phone.
Sadly, the most widespread comment that I have heard is “I felt the same way when my pet died because it was like a child to me. Seriously. Really?
The absolute worst comment that was ever said to me happened while I was at the grocery store. After recognizing someone I knew, I did my very best to avoid her, it was just days after Tyler passed away and I was not ready to speak to anyone, at all. She made eye contact and at that point it was inevitable, something was going to be said, however, I had no idea it would be what it was.
She cornered me by the dairy section and shared that she completely understood my pain. As I was thinking to myself “Oh, wow – she knows my pain? All the while, I was wondering how and when her child had died, when – boldly she stated that she had just had a hysterectomy. A HYSTERECTOMY? While I understand that can have an emotional impact and I do not discredit that. Nonetheless losing your child and having your uterus removed are not comparable, at all.
Bottom line –can life go on? Yes, but – it’s broken, does your heart go on, does it keep beating? Yes, indeed – but it too is broken and nothing can repair. Ever. If you have a grieving friend, take the time to listen – just sit and listen because truly, our children are the best thing that we want to talk about.
A wife loses a husband and is called a widow. A husband loses a wife and is called a widower, a child who loses her/his parents is called an orphan, but there is no word for a parent who has lost a child, that’s how awful the loss is. – Neugetborn
Chrissi Johnson, Mom of one 16 year old boy and a son who is forever 6, wife and early childhood professional.
www.tres-hearts.com