Stop Staring at the Screen

Blue (big eyes) by Nixter via FlickrSTOP LOOKING!

…at that screen I tell myself as I watch the squiggly lines of blue, green and red make their mark on the EEG monitor. It’s not like it’s going to tell me anything. It’s not like I’m going to stare hard enough, long enough, likely drying out my contacts…and decipher electroencephalograms on this night…or the next…or any other.

It’s not like I don’t know that “XL spike” and “XL event” are just indicators of items the techs will want to pay special attention to…that many will pan out to be ‘nothing’ – though the majority are something. It’s not like I haven’t heard the horrible numbers that explain so much, batter your hope and hasten your heartbeat in an attempt to race your motherly instincts towards finding a solution to finally slow and stop seizures.

I know these things, yet I stand and stare at this monitor during every single overnight EEG J has. I watch as every 10 second interval passes by springing up new lines and indicators of spikes and events. No 10 second interval ‘uneventful’. I watch trying to see any change in movement of my son in comparison to that spike or this event…. It’s silly. I know it, yet still, I stare.

Later this morning, the techs will report to the doc who will confirm findings and report to us. We likely won’t find ourselves surprised at any outcome. Doubtful the number will be higher than the 90% we were given in December – when J lost all language. Doubtful it will be lower than the 60% that represents the lowest number we’ve ever gotten…the number representing the percentage of J’s sleep where his brain is trying to or is successful in seizing.

I can’t do anything until morning, with more information. J is finally sleeping, I should follow…yet still, I’m staring at this screen.

(Photo By: Nixter / Flickr)

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